Premarital Counseling – Advice for starting your marriage
Sevin Philips gives guidance on starting a marriage. Couples Counseling advice for relationships.
Transcription
Hello, my name is Sevin Phillips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’m here to talk about premarital counseling and really give you the things that I bring up in session with people who are starting their lives together. It’s a great way to fine tune your relationship and be set up for success. It’s a great way to take care of future bumps in the road and ensure that you will have a better chance at going through those things together in a good way.
The first one is pretty obvious: communication. We all have a different style of communicating. Some of us don’t want to rock the boat so we tend to withhold information and don’t want to bring up hard talk about subjects. Some of us are more reactive.
Whatever it is where ever you are in your partnership, you want to make sure you guys can, when these things happen, have some sort of way to talk these through together so they don’t go under the surface and cause you trouble later on.
Sex is a big one. It’s the thing we’re usually are uncomfortable talking about. It’s got to be one of the hardest things to talk about. In the beginning of the relationship, it’s no problem, right? Who needs to talk about it? But, in a lifetime together – 5, 10, 20 years together – sexual needs change and you have to have some format to be able to talk about these things. In addition, if you’re going to have children, being pregnant or first year of the child’s life, this is going to affect your sex life and you have to have a way to navigate these things.
Another one (probably the biggest one on the list) is money. Even though it’s not about money, it’s for the most of us, about security. Are we going to be okay? Is one of us more of a saver? Is one of us more of a spender? That’s why money usually comes up in a marriage. It’s really sensitive. It really triggers in a really core way.
You want to understand to talk about how you’re going to do this in a really successful way. Sometimes people put all their money in one pot. Sometimes people have separate accounts for their own personal spending and a pot in the middle to pay for everything. It doesn’t really matter which one you choose, but you want to choose that makes you feel the most comfortable, that makes you feel the most secure in your lives and that you can be set up for success in your lives finically.
Another one is expectations and roles. You might think, “Once we’re married, nothing is really going to change.” And maybe that’s true. But a lot of us have really hidden expectations and ideas about what life is going to be like together. Maybe we go them from our parents. Whatever it is, we just want to talk about what it is that you want things to look like. How do you want them to be when you have kids? How do you want to share the roles? And around the household chore, how does that work? What are your expectations about being married? Just having those out is a really great conversation.
Another thing is children. If you’re going to have children, there are some subjects we usually don’t talk about. What are your feelings about discipline do they differ? Do they vary? Talking about those ahead of time – parenting styles. Also, spirituality is something that comes up. Do you have a difference in your believe systems, and if so, how are you going to raise your children? How do you agree upon these things?
This is just an idea of what it’s like when you come to premarital counseling. It’s a really fun and open conversation, and again, it’s all about setting you up for a really happy relationship. I hope that was helpful. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.
I am getting Married this summer, and I am interested in the cost for my Bride to be to set up a 2-4 premarital counseling sessions.
Thank you
Andy
feel free to call me on the office line to chat
My best friend and I have decided to be in a relationship and want to set us up for success. We love echother dearly, laugh a lot and truly care for ech other He just lost his mother as well. Wed like to start our year putting us on the right oath for the long haul.
I think that EVERYONE who is contemplating marriage should seek PREmarital counciling. We spend more time picking out a darn car (or our own sake) than we do a mate (for gods sake) and this is so sad. What we don’t realize is that besides having kids, it is the MOST important decision that we will make reguarding the quality of your lives. I bet a whole lot of people would have second thoughts after they come up short on that precouncilling test. This should be mandatory for the sake of family and society. However there are some easy deal breakers..if the person is already married when you meet them, no matter what story they feed you they are DEFFINATELY the WRONG person for you!! ( been there and done that one too). They must at least be single or you are in for a relationship with a foundation based on distrust right from the start which can only breed more lies. I feel the need to say this in hopes of saving someone who is thinking of getting involved with the wrong person or a person who is about to get married. There are so many people(myself included) who end up with people who are either with someone else, or who are with the wrong person for them. Its not that the person is a bad person, its that based on your general makeup, they may not be the right person for you and this is not a bad thing at all. SEEK premarital counciling, It is the best thing that you can do for yourself, your future family, AND society at large. If you are remarring and there are children involved then then I personally believe that this is even more important!
Maybe we can change the future of marriages and families by first telling our own truth about why our marriage may have failed and secondly, encouraging our children to seek PREmarital councelling and take this possible committment much more seriously than we presently are. There is no way that picking out a car can or an outfit be more important than picking out a lifetime mate. For all of the divorcees, don’t just tell your kids that it didn’t work out, tell them WHY it didnt work out WITHOUT trashing the parent involved. If you want to give a TRULY valuable wedding shower gift..pay for their remarital councelling sessions instead of buying a toaster and a set of plates that they might end up throwing at eachother in the future. We have to get honest and take this IMPORTANT choice much more seriously. It is better to call off a wedding and remain available for the person who is truly for you, than to continue out of obligation in a situation that may be untrue to and for you. Just my personal opinnion based on my own experiences. Everyone is the right person for someone even if they are not the right person for you.