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I’m here to talk about the fundamental principles that are in healthy relationships. It’s important for us to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what really allows us to thrive in a relationship and what really puts us off on the other path of not doing well and not being happy together.

Video Transcript

The Openness Principle in Healthy Relationships

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m here to talk about the fundamental principles that are in healthy relationships. It’s important for us to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of what really allows us to thrive in a relationship and what really puts us off on the other path of not doing well and not being happy together.

The general principle that I notice is a general principle of openness, adaptability, changeability, being flexible with each other even when things are difficult in a relationship, that allowance – that kind of communication – really allows couples to change, to move, to adapt, to handle things and really to learn how to love and trust each other. Having that room in a relationship allows for really big lives. When you have a partnership where each person has a big life and you also have an amazing relationship, everyone is for the better.

On the other hand, some of us struggle with trust, insecurity. These things are very difficult and it drives us to behave in ways that are clingy, needy, possessive, controlling – ideas in which sometimes we want to close the relationship down and keep it from being bigger. Maybe we limit our friendships or the times that we have with other things outside the relationship. These typically don’t go so well for those couples.
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Video Transcription

Parenting & How to Keep the Marriage Alive

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’m here to talk about parenting and keeping your marriage intact. It’s a challenging time for most people, and I have some great suggestions that I think will help your relationship.

The first one is staying connected. It’s a tough one. It’s all about the baby – and it should be all about the baby. It’s the time in our lives when we’re raising a child and we’re focusing on the child and we put all our resources into it. There are some small and yet very powerful ways, though, to stay connected.

One of them is date night. Of course, it’s cliché. But for those who take it seriously and go every week or every month, whatever your ritual is, keep it important and get enough babysitters to back up anybody who cancels. Go sometimes even if you’re tired. Go to a movie or whatever it might be. Give yourself that time and make it important and really protect that time.
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How to Avoid Bad Relationship Habits

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’m here to talk about those bad relationship habits. Many of us fall into them and I have some great ideas about how not to.

The first thing is taking each other for granted. It happens to the best of relationships. You stop sharing those little things that you used to share. Remember when you were dating and you sent a lot of text to each other “Hey, that was a treat this morning. Thanks.” Or “I had such a good time last night” or “I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight.” Even those seemingly mundane things that each one of you does, you used to say, “Wow, thanks. That’s great.” You stop doing that over time. These are the things to pick back up. Do these on a regular basis, and your relationship will feel good in a lot of ways.

Another that happens often enough is people stop talking. When you have a difficult conversation or a difficult subject, sometimes people avoid having those conversations. My recommendation is to have a monthly meeting. And I mean it: a monthly meeting. Maybe an hour long. You don’t want to make this something more arduous than it needs to be, but for an hour talk about sex, money, the needs that you have that are not being met and maybe the ones that are being met, how you are happy, and maybe future goals that you have. Mix it up. But have that conversation on a regular basis and you’re sure to have a better relationship.
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By Sevin Philips, MFT

1. Respect is more important than love
2. Checking in about the Relationship
3. Not taking each other for granted
4. Protecting quality time
5. Letting go of the small stuff
6. Making amends, owning your behavior
7. Working on your sex life
8. Actively create a future together

Video Transcription

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’ve been working with couples for many years. During this time, I have found 8 key principles that really help in creating a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

If you’re dating or you’re new in a relationship, these principles are excellent for developing a foundation for the relationship you want.

And if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, even if you’re having challenges in that relationship, these are the principles to practice together to make it better.

The first principle is respect is more important than love. We all know that love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It’s the thing that drew us together in the beginning. But what happens over time is if we’re disrespectful – we’re bickering, we’re defensive, we cut each other off, we start name calling, whatever the disrespect is – we erode our love over time.
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Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Video Transcription

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’m here to talk about conflict avoidance.

Some of us, in relationships, are uncomfortable with having conflict, with upsetting our partner, with having to deal with the fallout of sharing stuff that’s just difficult to talk about. So we learn to hold it in and not say it.

In the short-term, we win out, right? There’s no conflict.

But, in the long-term, and what most people don’t know is the curse of it is that it causes a lot more damage to the relationship by not expressing your needs. By not going through the conflict earlier on, you have much more conflict later on.

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San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

7. Working on your sex life

8. Actively create a future together

Video Transcription Advice

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips and I’m here to talk about the 8 principles for creating a healthy relationship.

Principle 7 is working on your sex life. Many of us have a myth that if we have to talk about our sex life or if we have to work on our sex life that means there’s something inherently wrong with our sex. And it’s not necessarily true if you think about it.

You’re constantly getting to know yourself. I don’t care how old you are; there’s always more to explore in your own sexuality.

And if you’re with somebody for 20, 30 or 50 years, things are going to happen that are going to change how you feel about sex. What used to turn you on isn’t going to turn you on in the future. You need some sort of way to talk about this with your partner if you want to maintain and have a healthy sex life for a long period of time.

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Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Talking about sex is one of the most difficult and awkward conversations to have.  Most of us never learned how.  As a couples’ counselor, I see common themes that get in the way of talking about sex.

Ways to develop more comfort around sex:

1. Make an agreement that saying what you want or need doesn’t mean something is wrong, only a desire to improve your sexual connection.
2. Don’t let your sexual ego get in the way of being curious about your sexual partner’s specific needs. All people are completely different.  Each of us has different wants and needs.  Let go of thinking you universally know how to please and move toward the mystery of your partner’s body.
3. Make an agreement to talk about your sex life more often: Like most things, the more you do it the more comfortable it will become.  Talking about sex can lead to greater satisfaction and that is not so bad.
4. When differences in sexual desire exist pressure to have sex more often can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The pressure of moving towards a partner can make that person want to go in the opposite direction.  To some degree there will always be someone who wants sex more often than the other.  In order to avoid creating more distance the partner who wants sex more needs to back off a bit, giving room for their partner to come forward.  Those in the position of feeling pressured need to mindfully come forward in response to the newfound space. Many times cuddling can be difficult, because it is seen as a way to get sex.  In these cases, make it clear that cuddling can just be cuddling when you want it that way.
5. If resentment or hurt is present in your relationship move towards resolving this.  There is a direct correlation between sexual desire and disharmony in a relationship. Sometimes you need to work on the emotional and trust issues before moving forward in your sex life.

By Sevin Philips, MFT

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