Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Video Transcription

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’m here to talk about conflict avoidance.

Some of us, in relationships, are uncomfortable with having conflict, with upsetting our partner, with having to deal with the fallout of sharing stuff that’s just difficult to talk about. So we learn to hold it in and not say it.

In the short-term, we win out, right? There’s no conflict.

But, in the long-term, and what most people don’t know is the curse of it is that it causes a lot more damage to the relationship by not expressing your needs. By not going through the conflict earlier on, you have much more conflict later on.

(more…)

Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Video Transcription Advice

Hello, this is Sevin Philips. I’m here to talk about our stories. Our stories that we have about who other people are, or for instance, how people feel about us.

The reason why I say stories is because we see a behavior or we believe something to be true based on some sort of truth that we actually experience. What we do is we extrapolate that oftentimes and make that into a larger story. A story that someone doesn’t like us, they’re angry or upset, or someone is unhappy in their lives. It can leave us in a difficult spot, because over time, people do change.

Sometimes when we believe something is true about somebody, we treat them differently – sometimes not in a good way. So I want you to use your gut. I want you to use your intuition and gauge the world and protect yourself in situations or in relationships.

But what I want you to do is question those long-lasting, or even short-lasting, stories that you have about who people are or about how they feel about your or something else.

Oftentimes, it’s not true. So if you could as the question, perhaps even ask the person, “Hey, I noticed you seem to be angry with me. Are you angry with me?” When people do this, it’s such a lovely surprise, because oftentimes, it’s like, “Oh, no, I wasn’t.” And it’s such a relief, because who knows how long you would’ve held onto that for and how painful that might’ve been.

(more…)

North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

Video Transcription

Hello, this is Sevin Philips and I’m here to talk about appreciation. More importantly, what happens in a long-term relationship whether it’s romantic, or it’s our parents, or it’s our siblings or a long-term friend is that we begin to take each other for granted. It’s very normal and natural to do this.

We help each other out. We support each other. We’re there for one another and we begin to just assume that that’s the way things are. We assume that we know that the other person appreciates the efforts.

But what gets lost over time is that we stop actually physically, verbally appreciating one another and it’s such an amazing element of a marriage.

So what I’m asking you guys to do is to bring that back into your relationships. The ones that you haven’t appreciated in a while – friendships, maybe it’s your husband, wife or partner, or your mom and your dad. Whoever it might be. Make a list of the things that in your life they do for you – even the small things. In fact, specifically the small things.

Do something to appreciate that person. It could be a gesture. It could be a verbal acknowledgement of just how they’re really great and important in your life.

This is the practice that I ask you guys to do and it’s just one of those things that we need to do when we’re in long-term marriages, because it’s just so natural because of the stresses of life, having children, having busy lives, work lives that people that are closest to us, we often tend to take for granted.

(more…)

Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Do you want something to change in your relationship and find yourself waiting, wanting, and resentful toward your partner, friend or lover? You might find yourself quietly brooding over an issue or even actively fighting this person while waiting for them to change. The intention of this article is to help you ask for what you want, invite support, and with or without that support, begin creating the life you want.

Here are some suggestions for creating change:

1. Get clear with yourself about what you want.

* Stick to what you want for yourself, not what you want for “the other.”
* Keep it simple and keep in perspective what you really want.

For example:

*I want more quality time in our relationship vs. I want you to stop watching TV when we’re together.

*I want more family time together in the evenings vs. I want my partner to not work so late.

*I want to create a team effort in carpooling the kids to school vs. I want you to step up carpooling.

2. Ask for what you want.

* Choose a good time to talk. (i.e. not right after work)
* Ask the other, “Do you have about 10-15 minutes to sit down and talk with me?”
* Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

3. Don’t explain, justify and defend, or argue over your wants.

* If “the other” gets upset and argues, do not engage. It is in your power not to argue. You can listen without defending your request. This may be a difficult practice, depending on how long you have known the person.
* Be mindful of built-up emotions that may emerge.
* Be both gentle and persistent with yourself.

4. If you find disagreement or resistance, ask, “How can you support me in this?”

* Often we ask “Why can’t you help me?” Instead of asking why, ask how.
* Asking how empowers and invites the other to find a way to help you.
Most likely your relationship began with an intention to support one another: hence, asking how one might provide support brings the other back to this original intention.

5. Be willing to walk away if there is a standstill.

* Don’t be afraid to disengage and walk away if you continue to be met with resistance. The intention in this practice is to be clear, ask for what you want, and invite openness for change. If you have said all that you wanted to, and said it in a good way, trust that a seed has been planted, regardless of immediate outcome.

6. Find ways to create the change you want, with or without support.

* Remember, you want change in your life. You are doing this in order to be happier and more fulfilled, so you must be responsible for your own happiness!
* If you’re still feeling resentful at the lack of support while attempting to create the change on your own, stop. Wait until you can attempt the desired change in better spirits.
* Of course there will be some limits to what you can do on your own. Decisions that involve shared assets, such as finances, will need to be put on hold.

Some examples of creating change on your own…

* I want more quality time in our relationship. Create the quality time in your life and invite your partner to share in it.

*I want more family time together. Create more time to spend with your family, invite your partner to join you.

I hope you find these steps helpful. If what you have been doing isn’t working, I suggest you try something different. Remember: It is normal to feel awkward and stiff when working on new habits. Even though this article is about taking care of your needs, do not be surprised if your partner changes all on their own. Rather than pushing and fighting, inviting your partner to support you creates, over time, more openness to the possibility of change.

Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy
By: Sevin Philips, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist