Normal and valid experiences:
• Overwhelming grief and sadness catches us off guard
• Emotional ups and downs lead us to feel like we are going crazy
• Concern with over-burdening our loved ones with our sadness and grief
• If you where the one who didn’t have a choice in ending the relationship you are left feeling powerless, betrayed, abandoned and sometimes resentful for not getting a chance to work it out
• Everything changes at once, including relationships with friends, in laws, moving, finances and changes in the family unit.
• The hopes and dreams we shared with our partner no longer exits, leaving many of us questioning who we are and where we are going.

Suggestions:

1. Read the Book- Rebuilding: When your relationship ends, by Bruce Fisher
2. Watch out for isolation: force yourself to create weekly events to show up to (workouts, friends, classes )
3. Join a support group of people going through the same thing

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Los Angeles, Beverly Hills – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

Video Transcription Advice

Hello, this is Sevin Philips. I’m here to talk about our stories. Our stories that we have about who other people are, or for instance, how people feel about us.

The reason why I say stories is because we see a behavior or we believe something to be true based on some sort of truth that we actually experience. What we do is we extrapolate that oftentimes and make that into a larger story. A story that someone doesn’t like us, they’re angry or upset, or someone is unhappy in their lives. It can leave us in a difficult spot, because over time, people do change.

Sometimes when we believe something is true about somebody, we treat them differently – sometimes not in a good way. So I want you to use your gut. I want you to use your intuition and gauge the world and protect yourself in situations or in relationships.

But what I want you to do is question those long-lasting, or even short-lasting, stories that you have about who people are or about how they feel about your or something else.

Oftentimes, it’s not true. So if you could as the question, perhaps even ask the person, “Hey, I noticed you seem to be angry with me. Are you angry with me?” When people do this, it’s such a lovely surprise, because oftentimes, it’s like, “Oh, no, I wasn’t.” And it’s such a relief, because who knows how long you would’ve held onto that for and how painful that might’ve been.

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North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

Video Transcription

Hello, this is Sevin Philips and I’m here to talk about appreciation. More importantly, what happens in a long-term relationship whether it’s romantic, or it’s our parents, or it’s our siblings or a long-term friend is that we begin to take each other for granted. It’s very normal and natural to do this.

We help each other out. We support each other. We’re there for one another and we begin to just assume that that’s the way things are. We assume that we know that the other person appreciates the efforts.

But what gets lost over time is that we stop actually physically, verbally appreciating one another and it’s such an amazing element of a marriage.

So what I’m asking you guys to do is to bring that back into your relationships. The ones that you haven’t appreciated in a while – friendships, maybe it’s your husband, wife or partner, or your mom and your dad. Whoever it might be. Make a list of the things that in your life they do for you – even the small things. In fact, specifically the small things.

Do something to appreciate that person. It could be a gesture. It could be a verbal acknowledgement of just how they’re really great and important in your life.

This is the practice that I ask you guys to do and it’s just one of those things that we need to do when we’re in long-term marriages, because it’s just so natural because of the stresses of life, having children, having busy lives, work lives that people that are closest to us, we often tend to take for granted.

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North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

Video Transcription

Hello, this Sevin Philips. I’m wishing you a warm, happy holiday and I would like for you to have a stress-free holiday.

Many of us get stressed during these times. There are times when there’s shoulds that we have. “I have to do this” or “I should do that.” We often overextend ourselves. Here are some suggestions.

One is if you’re ever in a place where you’re feeling stressed out, give yourself permission to stop. Take some breaths. Relax. Take a couple days off even.

Another thing is sometimes we have expectations about events, about how they’re going to be, whether we’re going to like it or we’re not going to like it. It’s great to have no expectations. So if you can catch yourself and just go into every situation taking it as it comes, it’s a much better place to be in.

Also, there are so many different invitations and things going on for the holidays, sometimes we overextend ourselves. We feel like we need to say yes to all these invitations. I want to give you permission to say no. Don’t overextend yourself, so that the places you actually go to, you’ll want to be there. You won’t be as stressed and you’ll be more present. In general, it will be better for you and everyone else.

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Many people talk about surviving the holidays. I suggest you can do more than just survive: you can recreate your holidays. I’m not encouraging you to tackle the 100 pound gorilla in your family’s living room, but simply to set a new intention for yourself and create the holiday you want in small and meaningful ways.

The premise behind this change comes from slowing down and asking yourself, “What do I want?” Then continue practicing this method of self-care during times of stress. Changing old patterns in relationships requires being gentle, being patient, and taking the time.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Give yourself permission to stop at any given time.
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone in order take time out for yourself. It is your right to stop, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” The answer may be, “I don’t know.” That’s ok. It is healing enough to take the time to ask yourself this question. This is the essence of self-care.

2. Make an agreement with your spouse, your partner, or a safe family member to have a check-in time during parties or family events.
Having a predetermined check-in time midway through a holiday event can be a great breather, especially during difficult gatherings. Just use this check-in for each of you to see how the other is doing. Devising a codeword for each other can be another way to set up a spontaneous check-in for those unexpected stressful moments.

3. Limit your commitments.
If you are one of those people who overcommits to events and then feels rough and ragged by the end of the holiday season, this tip is for you. Feelings of guilt and pressure to attend holiday events are common. Remember you can always say no to an invitation. This is not an invitation is not a reflection on how well you like or dislike the host. You are just taking it slow this holiday season. Set a goal for yourself and limit the amount of events you will attend. You may find yourself enjoying the parties you do attend with greater enthusiasm.

4. Let go of expectations.
It’s ok to want your holidays to be different. Set your mind with good intentions and an open heart, and let go of results. Focus on what you can bring to the event, not what you expect to get out of it. This will help to reduce feelings of disappointment and leave room to be pleasantly surprised.

5. Create your own holiday traditions.
Write down what a stress-free holiday might look like for you. Pick one or two ideas that you like, and offer your suggestions to others. You may find that other people feel the same as you and would also love a change of pace. Creating new traditions does not require others to participate, so don’t be afraid to start a new holiday tradition by yourself. This might be the best holiday gift you receive.

Article by: Sevin Philips,MFT