1. Respect is more important than love
2. Checking in about the Relationship
3. Not taking each other for granted
4. Protecting quality time
5. Letting go of the small stuff
6. Making amends, owning your behavior
7. Working on your sex life
8. Actively create a future together

Video Transcription

Hello, my name is Sevin Philips. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist and I’ve been working with couples for many years. During this time, I have found 8 key principles that really help in creating a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

If you’re dating or you’re new in a relationship, these principles are excellent for developing a foundation for the relationship you want.

And if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, even if you’re having challenges in that relationship, these are the principles to practice together to make it better.

The first principle is respect is more important than love. We all know that love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It’s the thing that drew us together in the beginning. But what happens over time is if we’re disrespectful – we’re bickering, we’re defensive, we cut each other off, we start name calling, whatever the disrespect is – we erode our love over time.
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East Bay, Berkeley Relationship Counseling Center (Couples Counseling Therapy)

Do you keep ending up with people who are not good for you? Yes, it’s true the person you are picking is behaving poorly.  Since we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we must examine our own patterns in picking the wrong person. In doing this, we can begin to conceptualize healthy relationships and hold that as our new standard.

Unhealthy Relationships:

1. We mistake love for physical attraction, neediness and the need to rescue or be rescued. (Examine how your desperation effects your perception)
2. We choose emotionally and physically unavailable people in relationships. (Examine your fear of intimacy)
3. We pick people who treat us poorly by being punishing, critical, controlling or demeaning. (Examine your low self-esteem.)
4. We lose interest in our own personal interests and activities and become enmeshed with the one person and their interests.  (Examine your boundaries.)
5. We stay in and return to unhealthy relationships. (Examine your fear of loneliness.)
6. We begin sexual relationships or become emotionally attached without really knowing someone.  (Examine your boundaries.)
7. We fantasize about who we think someone is and then are crushed when they fall short of that fantasy.  (Examine what is reality vs. fantasy)

Healthy Relationships:

1. When something is wrong we can talk about it.
2. We encourage each other to be better people.
3. Having separate interests and friends isn’t a threat.
4. We can be vulnerable about feelings with some degree of safety.
5. We can handle difficult situations as a team.
6. We both are dedicated to spending quality time with each other.
7. Trust builds through our growing capacity to be honest with one another.

Remember unhealthy patterns are necessary to learn and grow!

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San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

1- The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect, as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others.

2- The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally, you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your actions, or automatic compliance with your wants.

3- The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no” because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable person realizes that:

• It is not healthy to hurt yourself.

• Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself.

• You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value others.

• Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less experience).

• You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires.

4- The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us.

5- The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake).

6- The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes, however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing your original quote).

7- The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships. Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the other person wants.

8- The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having recognized this).

9- The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your

questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use.

10- The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It is impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your mistakes and to rectify your errors.

11- The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself.

Author: unknown (A friend gave me this paper copy with no author mentioned)

San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy
Sevin Philips, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Asking yourself what you want to do in every little moment is not as simple as it sounds. Fear of hurting someone, causing uncomfortable conflict, or not having your needs met are all ways in which we stop ourselves from asking what we truly want.

Socialization has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish and bad. This is an old story often used to stifle our ability to live freely. We are beings who desire and have needs. The question “What do I want?” is about taking care of ourselves in every moment and, in the process, respecting ourselves and others.

I believe that deep down we are all aching for the truth from one another. Think about the times a friend or family member has asked you for something and you were aware that you didn’t want to do it. If you do it anyway, you may experience resistance or resentment, which becomes apparent to both sides. Both people lose. If you don’t say no, and just give an excuse for your absence, you may experience sadness around the inauthenticity in your relationship. Just saying no, although initially disappointing for some, is what both people want. Taking care of yourself by being honest builds trust in a relationship. Taking care of yourself gives permission to the other person to do the same with you. Hence, when we actually are available to each other, it is a gift.

If this practice feels too scary at first, just start by asking yourself the question. Be curious about the ways you stop yourself from asking for what you want. Asking this question will start the process of coming back to yourself. There is enough in this world for you. There is enough for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT

Sevin Philips, MFT offers help navigating relationships and developing clear boundaries. Learn how to say no with instruction on how to start.

North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Marriage Therapy

You have a right to say ‘NO’ and not feel guilty

• Unsaid social agreements to take care of each others’ feelings.
• Saying ‘No’ is a risk of not being loved or liked
• You do have the right to take care of yourself

1. Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself
2. No limitless energy: You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires.
3. Power and roles: Your wants do not have less value than a parent’s, employer’s or teacher’s.
4. Consideration of others is also required

Practices-

1. Awareness of what you want and don’t want throughout the week
2. Take a small risk: remember by taking care of yourself you give others permission to do the same.
3. Living life with being honest and genuine is being free

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

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San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

For most of us, the relationship ideal is to be in love, merge with, and dedicate oneself to another. A common vow which exemplifies this notion is “to be as one.” In this oneness many of us slowly lose ourselves, sacrificing our wants and desires to our partnership. I’m not writing this article to shoot down anyone’s idea of the ideal relationship; I’m simply hoping to bring some balance to our values and make that ideal relationship more obtainable . By maintaining our own desires, friends, interests, and sense of self, we nourish both ourselves and our partner.

Nature teaches us this truth. Look at any system that ceases to receive nourishment: it wastes and withers away. We as people work in the same way. When our social, mental, and emotional needs are fed by the world around us, we are happier; we are whole. Being permeable, we have a capacity to give and take, which allows us to accommodate and include the other person in our new relationship. Yet one person alone is just not enough to give us the nourishment we need.

We often get elated during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It may even be natural to spend most of your time with someone you have just met. Where most of us fall short is not seeing the importance of and reclaiming our personal life. Here are some of the most common reasons:

* Desire to merge, enmesh, and be as one, which is internalized from movies, books, and childhood fantasies
* Fear that you will lose your partner’s interest if you don’t give them what you think they want
* Perception of outside interests as a threat to the relationship, either through lost time or the chance of meeting someone better
* Fear that if you go out on a Saturday with your friend, your partner may be alone and upset
* Fear of being alone and not in a relationship, which leads you to hold on too tightly
* Lack of trust: if you don’t make plans and do things outside the relationship, you’ll have a right to ask your partner to do the same
* Perception that, after your initial excitement, any reversion to your original lifestyle and outside activities indicates you’re not that into them anymore

To maintain balance you need to be mindful of your unique patterns of losing yourself. If you tend to spend five nights a week together in the beginning of a relationship, try reducing the nights. If you are already in a long-term relationship, re-examine your needs and desires and re-establish the things that nourish you. Although you don’t have to, it can often be helpful to include your partner in this decision-making process. It can be a sign that you are healthy and wanting to take care of yourself, which gives permission to the other to do the same. If your partner finds your desire for healthy boundaries threatening, you may need to hold firm. Although initially, someone may feel threatened, over time, if you are still loving and attentive to them, they may begin to see that you are happier for it and not going anywhere. This is the balance that feeds the both of you.

San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy
By: Sevin Philips, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

East Bay, Berkeley Relationship Counseling Center (Couples Counseling Therapy)

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. In the past, the word codependency was overused, becoming a definition for a person who is weak, passive, and needy in relationships. To the contrary codependent behavior is an attempt to manage your environment and relationships in order to feel safe and in control. Codependency is a general term; it represents an entire range of feelings, beliefs and behaviors.

The main characteristic is a big focus on another person. This is usually your spouse, significant other. You might be saying, “What is the big deal about focusing on the one you love?” Nothing is wrong with giving your attention, time and love to someone else. However, this behavior becomes unhealthy when you forgo your own needs and desires in the relationship. Relationships are give and take, so when you give and give without receiving, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness.

Typically, a codependent comes from a family that did not meet their emotional needs met. Codependence is a life strategy designed to find the love we need in unsafe, difficult, or unavailable relationships.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. If you identify with these characteristics please explore the resources provided below.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

Low Self-esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

Compliance Patterns:
I have difficulty saying “no”.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in unhealthy situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and I rarely express differing opinions and feelings.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I withhold my feelings and thoughts in order to navigate a difficult situation
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Here are the steps for recovery:

Go for help. A reputable therapist or recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own codependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Codependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country.

Make recovery a first priority. Codependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change and then time after time, find
yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means seeking support, challenging yourself, talking
with others about changing, and then changing!

Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here, you stop telling others what to do, how to live, what is wrong or right with them. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, and trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions; for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This means they take responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues, and their own growth.

Read some books. Melodie Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field.

East Bay, Berkeley Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

By: Sevin Philips , Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The pattern list in this article is from, The Recovery Patterns of Codependency. Website www.CoDA.org. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.