San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy

Having clear intentions is vital for a healthy marriage. Although vows are usually exclusive to union ceremonies, a new, growing breed of conscious people is creating and practicing these vows at any stage of a relationship. If you are currently in a relationship sit down with your partner and re-examine what you want from each other. For those of you who are looking for that special person, use these vows to help crystallize what kind of marriage you want.

The vows below are created from observing relationship successes and challenges in my work as a therapist. I hope this list will inspire you to create marriage vows that are nourishing and fulfilling.

~I vow to enrich my personal life with enjoyable activities outside of the marriage and use this nourishment to deepen our connection.

~I vow to always be respectful to you. If I feel I cannot uphold this, I vow to walk away until I can be respectful.

~I vow to stand by you when I see your life getting hard.

~I vow to create and protect quality time for us to spend together every week.*

~I vow to encourage and inspire you to find and fulfill your life’s work.

~I vow to respect your need for outside friendship and support.

~I vow to let go of my need to be right.*

~I vow to share my deep, innermost thoughts and fears with you, exposing all and holding nothing back, so that you may know who I truly am.

~I vow to share my appreciation for the little things you do that give our marriage great meaning.

~I vow to tell you when I’m scared, choosing vulnerability over anger.

~I vow to ask for your support when I’m in need of help, and I vow to acknowledge the reality that you cannot read my mind…EVER.

~I vow to not take our companionship for granted as the long years roll by.

~I vow to be appreciative, open, and curious about our sexual connection. I vow to regularly discuss our sex life, whether it be fantastic, boring, physically painful, or nonexistent.*

~I vow to be present with you when you want my attention, and when I cannot be present, I vow to tell you this.

~I vow to clearly and respectfully communicate when I’ve had a hard day and want time alone. I vow to use this time to take care of myself so that I do not take my daily stresses out on you.

~I vow to be honest in all my affairs with you, even when it is difficult for me to do so.

~I vow to return to my original vows when I fall short in my intentions.*

* I find these vows powerfully effective in building strong , loving, changing, “we’ve come a long way, baby” relationships.

San Francisco – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy
By: Sevin Philips, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Learn about the push-pull effect of the pursuer and distancer and some instruction on how to change for the better.

Video Transcription

Hi, it’s Sevin Philips. I’m here to talk about a relationship dynamic between the distancer and pursuer. Most people fall somewhere in between where you want to see your partner sometimes and you want to pursue, and the other times you’re perhaps wanting to pull back a little bit, have some rest and just take a break and be alone, which is completely healthy and normal.

However, there are a lot of people out there that go from one extreme to the other. When they’re partnered up together, they do this dance going back and forth.

For the pursuer, it’s typically instead of just wanting to be with their partner, they feel like they need to. Let’s say they get a text or an email, and in this email, the partner is maybe a little flat where normally they have more energy and they read into that as being like, “Uh-oh. Something is going on.” It triggers this desperation to find out.

You might call, you might show up, you might cancel a date with a friend in order to see your partner because it feels like you really need to.

For the distancer, oftentimes they feel engulfed by the pursuer, so they run in the other direction. This dance is when the pursuer is chasing and the distancer is running away. Eventually, the pursuer gets sick and tired, and feels resentful and angry having pursued for so long and the distancer doesn’t hear footsteps anymore, looks back and the person’s gone.

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East Bay, Berkeley Relationship Counseling Center (Couples Counseling Therapy)

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. In the past, the word codependency was overused, becoming a definition for a person who is weak, passive, and needy in relationships. To the contrary codependent behavior is an attempt to manage your environment and relationships in order to feel safe and in control. Codependency is a general term; it represents an entire range of feelings, beliefs and behaviors.

The main characteristic is a big focus on another person. This is usually your spouse, significant other. You might be saying, “What is the big deal about focusing on the one you love?” Nothing is wrong with giving your attention, time and love to someone else. However, this behavior becomes unhealthy when you forgo your own needs and desires in the relationship. Relationships are give and take, so when you give and give without receiving, you are setting yourself up for unhappiness.

Typically, a codependent comes from a family that did not meet their emotional needs met. Codependence is a life strategy designed to find the love we need in unsafe, difficult, or unavailable relationships.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. If you identify with these characteristics please explore the resources provided below.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

Low Self-esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

Compliance Patterns:
I have difficulty saying “no”.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in unhealthy situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and I rarely express differing opinions and feelings.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I withhold my feelings and thoughts in order to navigate a difficult situation
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Here are the steps for recovery:

Go for help. A reputable therapist or recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own codependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Codependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country.

Make recovery a first priority. Codependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You may decide to change and then time after time, find
yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means seeking support, challenging yourself, talking
with others about changing, and then changing!

Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here, you stop telling others what to do, how to live, what is wrong or right with them. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, and trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions; for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This means they take responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues, and their own growth.

Read some books. Melodie Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the field.

East Bay, Berkeley Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

By: Sevin Philips , Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The pattern list in this article is from, The Recovery Patterns of Codependency. Website www.CoDA.org. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

Most of us walk around with beliefs or “stories” about what other people think of us. A story is an assumption about what someone else thinks or feels about you that you don’t actually know to be true. “He doesn’t like me,” “She is angry at me,” or “He doesn’t think I’m good enough” are all examples of negative stories. These stories are carried around for days, weeks, and even years, causing pain and suffering in our lives.

Reflect upon your relationship with a lover, friend, or family member. Do you have a negative story about how someone thinks or feels about you? How do you know it is true? Have you ever asked that person if it is true? If that person was indeed angry at you, how do you know they still feel that way? Often, we use information gained through reading other people’s behavior or indirect comments to support our negative stories.

Negative stories can be dispelled by opening up a dialogue with the other person. This direct approach takes a lot of courage and can be difficult at first. Many find that they are very attached to their story. In the end, you might find relief in knowing that your story was in fact only make-believe and that the other person doesn’t feel that way at all. On the other hand, if you learn from the other person that your stories are true, you now have the opportunity to work things out. Either way you are working towards easing the weight of these negative assumptions and beliefs.

The practice outlined in this newsletter is about creating honest relationships. Albeit difficult at first, your direct approach invites others to be direct with you. Some people will appreciate this honest intent in your relationship and grow with you. Others may not be ready. The question is, “How do you want to live your life?”

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT

North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Counseling Therapy

These step-by-step instructions work great for relationships that are hard- pressed with issues that keep coming back. Perhaps you are unhappy  with a certain relationship dynamic you have with a family member, friend, or coworker. You may find yourself bitter, angry, or defensive, and once again locked into old patterns of destructive behavior.

Life is precious. There is no need for you to continue suffering. Communicate clearly and take yourself out of that loop!

The foundation for this practice is to take responsibility for your peace and happiness by asking for what you want and, if necessary, removing yourself from the unpleasant situation. Telling the other person what is going on with you gives them the opportunity to change.

Some things to consider before you begin:

* Get clear before you communicate. Writing down your thoughts is a powerful way for you to get clear.
* Avoid adding hooks. A hook is something that is meant to hurt, pull, or manipulate the other person. Hooks will dilute your truth.
* Refrain from being reactionary. This might feel awkward and mechanical at first because you are breaking out of unconscious, reactionary patterns of communication.
* Choose appropriate format: person-to-person or a letter? Talking face-to- face is the preferred method. If you feel unsafe, you can communicate over the phone. If you sense your patterns are really severe, I suggest you write a
letter.
* Use a second pair of eyes. It is hard to see our own stuff. Have someone review what you have written, and then get feedback.

5 steps to communicating hard-to-say issues:

Step 1: Tell the listener why you want to talk with them. (Be respectful of their time.)

Example: “Our relationship is important to me and something has come up that I want to talk about. Do you have time to talk?”

Step 2: Describe the behavior that affects you.

Example: “When we talk on the phone and you tell me what other people say about me…”

Step 3: Tell the person how you feel about that behavior.

Example: “When we…and you tell me…I feel unsafe, scared, and confused.”

Step 4: Ask for what you want.

Example: “I want you to not include any information regarding other people’s feelings about me in our conversations.”

Step 5: Invite change.

Example: “How can you support me in what I am asking?

Example: “I feel that this will bring us closer; will you support me?”

Step 6 [Optional]: Take care of yourself by developing healthy boundaries. (Serious patterns may need this extra step).

Example: “When you are not able to do this, I am going to take responsibility for myself by ending the conversation (i.e. getting off the phone or simply walking away) until we can talk again later.”

North Bay, Mill Valley – Relationship Counseling Center – Couples Therapy
By: Sevin Philips, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist